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Everyone Was Harmed in the Making of this Post



“Like What You Like & Don’t Be a Dick”

-Brian Zane


“Donka Doo Balls”

-Amazing drunk woman on an old episode of COPS



Brothers, Sisters, non-binary siblings, and everyone who is united by being a part of that very special tribe brought together by a deep love of cinema, please hear me out. We are the misfits of this crazy, sad, bad-dad-bod, and dangerous to inhabit world. You know this and I know it. The majority of folks out there approach film like one might appraise a fast-food sandwich: cheap, greasy, easy, and satisfying for the moment. Others may treat it like a dry-witted foodie who turns their nose up at convenience foods and synthetic ingredients. Hey, I am not the film or fun police and if one can find the kind of happiness that does no harm to anyone else, good for them. We live in a world rife with corruption, global warming, and class warfare, so in the big scheme of things, someone loving franchises like Star Wars and Marvel/DC or more “highbrow” art is fine. Hell, I once got excited when Taco Bell brought nacho fries back, so I’m not immune to some dank decision making that only really hurts my body and pride for admitting this. Shame is for the weak and shaming even more so.


Speaking of which, this brings to me the phenomenon of ghost entities like “film twitter” and whatever its other social media platform adjacents are. Phenomenon is a strong word and one that, for me, has positive connotations. Finding clowns sexually attractive is a phenomenon...granted, a creepy one, but still infinitely less annoying than individual hot takes created for the worst kind of attention. Which is worse? A jolly red-nose reach-a-round or arguing with some nitwit who keeps calling films made before 1977 as “Lynchian?”


Seriously, we’re all human and that’s part of our beauty and wretchedness. I’ve had moments in the past of letting a clickbait in hot takes clothing get under my skin, but despite being steadfastly against regret as an emotion, I would always regret it. Still do, especially since I’m sure it will happen again, but I want to be better. Life is way too short for anything unworthy, especially getting upset over nebulous groups like “Film Twitter.” What does that even mean? Technically, if you’re talking about film in any capacity on Twitter, doesn’t that make you and I part of “Film Twitter?” I’m a big fan of subversion through reclamation, so we can take back the term and inject it with things like pure love, respect, fun, and most importantly, community.


If someone, anyone, tries to attack or condescend to you, pluck them out. Don’t even hesitate. Mute, block, ignore, etc etc. Have I mentioned this life is too short thing? Wish people the best and hope they find something healthy and rewarding for them. We all deserve a chance for happiness but with that, it also means you don’t have to put up with someone else’s toxicity.


As for articles and bad takes, the worst thing any of us can do is talk or especially retweet and share it. Remember the old internet adage of “Don’t feed the trolls?” It’s a similar concept because such cynical grabs at attention deserve nothing but quiet air.


On top of that, let’s all work together and practice proper alchemy. It takes a pure heart and curious mind to truly transform shit into gold, but I think we can do this. For example, if someone starts yammering about how there is too much nudity or sex in the movies today, first of all, call their local nursing home to complain about the staff letting meemaw and papaw on the computer too much again. After that, instead of feeding into their Human Centipede configuration of pissy dullardness, talk about all the art you love that happens to have nudity and sex in them! Give me your Borowcyzyks! Your Zulawskis! Your Sayadians! Your Damianos! Etc etc etc. See? There’s so much great art out there, both past and present, that we can use these platforms to elevate the worthy and not the mucky mucks!


The only things we’re guaranteed in this life is, to quote a brilliant friend of mine, “the ghastly inevitable.” What happens inbetween is mostly up to us, so come on my captains of industry and let’s show them pleebs and hot takers how it is really done. Love truly is the law, so be good to yourself, to others, and settle for nothing less than the best.

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